A story about a situation where someone is put into danger

The Cemetery

One night Mark was driving in the misty darkness up to the cemetry with four of his friends called Jake, Stacey, and Jodie and jarred, it was Halloween they were going up the hill to the cemetry when the wheel went bang. And the girls screamed loudly. Jake when out to see what it was. It was the wheel with a knife sliced in it.

The girls were scared, Mark and the boys said Lets go for a walk in the cemetery. The girls said I will if you keep close to me Jake and Mark said yes we will so they went in to the mist. They were walking up the top of the cemetry and Jarred said Look at that dead man up there. Stacey screamed saying wise up. Then Jarred said look the dead man is in the corner of the cemetry. Jodie said no he isn’t and slapped Jarred.

Stacey was on her hands and knees crying saying to me don’t let go of me. Mark said OK. Every time Jarred tried to scare them they didn’t believe him so they was walking one time and Jarred saw a light but they said stop lying but 5 mins later Stacey saw it then they all saw it. It was a dead man with a flashlight. So they all started running then they stopped to see where the man was but he wasn’t behind them. So they kept walking then they saw him again.

So they ran to the gate and kept going till they saw something and they ran again until they saw a caravan and they all ran there and knocked on the door. No one answered so they walked in and Mark used the phone to ask his mother to come and collect them. The phone was cut off and they saw the shadow of the man. They ran out and hit him on the head. It was Marks father walking the dogs out looking for them.

Mark phoned the ambulance because he was knocked out he woke back up and said don’t phone an ambulance. So Mark phoned them and said don’t bother coming he’s OK now. Marks’s father was shouting at him for nicking a car and for popping the wheel then Jake and Jarrod was laughing Marks father said I don’t know why you are laughing for because I am telling your parent and the girls and he said yeah.

Mark went home and his mother was shouting at him. And saying you are grounded for two weeks and you are paying for the wheel. And you are going to clean the car and clean the house up for two weeks. After he was grounded Mark phoned the boys and they said they was grounded to and he phoned the girls and they said they was grounded and not allowed to bother with Mark.



Commentary

This student tells a basic narrative with a clear development and outcome. He is able to structure the story with a simple chronology but there is little development of character or atmosphere. The range of vocabulary is very limited and the work is flawed with many errors both in punctuation and agreement. It is paragraphed but lacks direct speech punctuation. His choice of topic and approach is limiting though he does not descend into totally unrealistic content as happens frequently when students are tempted to stray into cemeteries. This work deserves a low Band 2 mark for Content and Organisation and a Band 1 mark for SSPS. This gives the story a total of 7 marks.