My most Special moment

Once I was training in my boxing gym and I was lifting 18kg weights. The other weights were set out on the floor for when I needed them. I was on my last set of ten when I fell back and the weight came crashing down and landed on my leg. I couldn’t feel my left leg. I twisted my ankle and then I was rolling around in excrushiating pain. My manager came in once he heard my call of pain. He sat me up and I hobuld over to the ring. He sat me down on the side of the ring and got me a glass of warter. Ten minutes later I gave my dad a call and he came straight to the gym. My dad and my manager took me to hospital.

We arrived in an hours time. The traffic was bad and I hobuld over to a chair and sat there with my manager while my dad went to reseption. By the time we got to the hospital my leg had swollen up to the size of a baby elephants foot. I was called in, the doctor said ‘What is your name?’ I said ‘Mark.’ I was given an x-ray and sent to the emergency room and was told some hart breaking news considering that I had a big fight coming up, they said, you have broken your tibia and sprained your ankle. I had to stay in a hospital bed for 2 to 3 months.

Each day my leg was getting better, My family visited every day and my manager to. I was getting better pritty fast. My manager came in the room and gave me good and bad news. I said, ‘Can I hear the good news first?’ ‘OK,’ he said. I was told that Joe Calzaghe, one of the best boxers in the world, was coming to see me in a few weeks time. And the bad news was that my boxing match was canceled but I wasn’t bothered about that.

After a week, Joe came to see me. I was waiting with the door open. He came in and my dad and my manager left us to talk. We were just chatting about boxing and I was asking questions about how many fights he had won. He said just over 18 in his career. He asked me how any I had won and I told him six so far. We had a good chat and a cuple of moments later he said, ‘Will you be able to make it to my match. I’ll get you front row seats.’ I said, ‘I don’t have enough money.’ But he produced tickets from his pocket and they were for the front row by his corner. I said, ‘Thank you so much. You have made my day.’

I was out of hospital in no time. My dad came to pick me up and I was happy to see my street and most importantly my family. I was welcomed home with celebrations and we partied.

The next day the boxing match was on and me and my family were ready to go. We got there in an hour and sat in our seats. Joe’s fight was over in three rounds with a clean knockout and the towel thrown in. I jumped up in excitment and after the match he called me and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I said ‘yes.’  So we went out together and had a good time. We kept in touch and we are good friends even now.

Commentary

The work has an immediate reality and the student introduces the narrative with a simple but clear description of the time and place. The accident is fairly carefully handled in a totally credible if simple way and the hospital scene is accurately portrayed. After Calzaghe’s visit, the work becomes more fanciful and the ending is less convincing. However, there is much to recommend this simple but reasonably engaging story. It has a clear beginning, middle and end and there are not many unnecessary details. Paragraphing is secure. The student has been wise to write about an aspect of life of which he has clear experience. This makes the work more convincing and engaging. On the other hand, there are spelling and grammatical errors and the punctuation is weak on occasion. It deserves a mark in the top end of the Band 2 Content and Organisation aspect and a Band 2 SSPS mark, giving it a total of 10.

My Most Special Moment

The morning of September 14^th 2000, I woke early to find a brand new bright pink pushbike wrapped in shiny silver paper. It was my birthday and like all seven-year-old girls, I was desperate for a bike like all the older children. Finally I had got one. At seven o’clock, I began begging my dad to take me for a ride.

‘Not now, love, go back to bed,’ he replied drowsily. How could I sleep when my brand new bike was sitting downstairs waiting for me? Every five minutes I returned to his bedroom to force him to take me out. Finally at 8.30, he gave up and agreed to do it.

It was not a particularly warm day so I put on my brand new pale blue jumper and my navy leggings. As we rode down the steep grassy hill towards the canal, the dew glistened in the sunlight like diamonds hanging from a pure green chain. The cool autumn breeze rushed through the holes in my matching pink helmet. We raced alongside the deep blue waters for miles.

My legs were aching, shrieking out for me to stop and give them a rest but was I going to give in to them? Never! As the slope up to a bridge began, my muscles started to give up. ‘If only I could stop,’ I thought miserably. Suddenly I could feel myself falling backwards downhill slowly at first but then picking up speed quite noticeably. I began to feel panic building inside of me.

‘Dad! Dad, help me!’ I called. My chest felt as though someone was hammering from the inside. All I could think was, ‘My mum’s going to kill me if I get my new jersey dirty.’ As I reached the water’s edge, I saw my dad sprint down from the top of the bridge. ‘Ellie,’ he shouted, ‘use your brakes!’

It was the last thing I remember hearing before hitting the icy cold water. Water bubbles filled my ears as though someone was gurgling mouthwash into them. I opened my mouth to scream when foul tasting liquid flooded in, blocking my speech from coming out. All of a sudden I realised I could not breathe. I wasn’t rising to the surface and I physically didn’t have the strength to push myself up. I remember thinking, ‘Oh God, I am going to die!’

Suddenly big hands were around my waist, tugging me upwards. I was being rescued! But my oxygen supply was fast running out, everything went still and my eyelids became too heavy to hold open.

The next thing I knew I was lying on the canal bank deep in the long grass, soaked to the skin and freezing. I had so much to say but only two words escaped from my lips, ‘My bike!’

I later found out that my dad has seen my downhill ride by the bridge and had raced down to save me. However, I’d fallen into the icy blue canal, so he was forced to dive in after his seven-year-old daughter.

My bike was save too, thankfully. Unfortunately though the same could not be said about my pale blue jumper! I rode that shiny pink bike for years to come but I never went back to the canal bank.

Commentary

This self-contained narrative has life and energy and the experience is related in an immediate and engaging fashion. The details are well chosen and story progresses with some pace. Paragraphing is accurate as are other technical aspects though there is not a great deal of ambition in the vocabulary choices. This deserves a mid Band 3 mark for the Content and Organisation aspect and a low Band 4 mark for the SSPS element, giving a mark of 14.