OMTEX CLASSES: 04/01/2015

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Funny Facebook Status Updates:

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
Sometimes you just need some space............To fart.
I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.
Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Whenever i have a problem, I just sing, Then i realize my voice is worse than my problem.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.
Need Love...? .......No...I would prefer vodka..!!
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and i’m still at school.
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
She is so fake that she should have two facebook accounts; one for each face !!!
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
The longer the title the less important the job.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

Best Whatsapp Status

Had a really great "Night Out" last night, According to my police report.
I will win, Not immediately But Definitely.'
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
The road to success is always under construction.
Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.
Born to express not to impress.
Silent people have the loudest minds.
Sometimes it's easier to pretend you don't care, than to admit it's killing you.
You cannot stop the waves but you can learn to surf.
Life is like photography, You use the negatives to develop.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
When someone says, "You've Changed", It simply means you've stopped living your life their way.
If you want to make your dreams come true, The first thing you have to do is wake up.
I don't have dirty mind, I have Sexy imagination.
Whenever i think of quit smoking, I need a cigarette to think.
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
You have to be ODD, to be number ONE.
When life puts you in tough situations, don't say, why me? Just say, try me!
I stopped fighting with my inner demons. We are on the same side Now.
If people are trying to bring you 'Down', It only means that you are 'Above them'.
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.
Nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Be a good person, But don't try to prove.
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Some people are alive only, Because it's illegal to kill them.
I am not failed......My success is just postponed.
If you like me Then raise your hand, If not then raise your standard.
When i was born..Devil said.."Oh Shit..!! Competition".
I work for money, For loyalty Hire a Dog.
I am always right, Once i thought that I am wrong, But i was wrong.
I know i am something, Because god doesn't create garbage.
If you are gonna be two-faced, Honey at least make one of them pretty!
When nothing goes right..!! Go left.
If you can't convince them, Confuse them.
I love to walk in fog, Because nobody knows i am smoking.
I am not drunk, I am just chemically off-balanced.
Oh, So you wanna argue, Bring it. I got my CAPS LOCK ON.
I am so poor that i can't pay attention in class.
Warning...I know KARATE.......And few other oriental words.
I used to be an atheist, But then i realized i'm God.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
Success is like being pregnant everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you got fucked to get there.
I am not virgin, My life fucks me everyday.
Nothing is over until you stop trying.
Person you love is 72.8% water.
I talk to myself because i like dealing with a better class of people.
People say, you can't live without love...I think oxygen is more important.
80% of boys have girlfriends.. Rest 20% are having brain.
When everything comes your way.. Then you are on the wrong way.
she's so fake, if you look behind her neck. I bet it says "Made in china".
I drink to make other people interesting.
If at first, you don't succeed..Keep flushing.
Save water drink beer.
Virginity is not dignity, It is just lack of opportunity.
Not all men are fools, Some stay bachelor.
Don't kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.
His story is History, My Story is Mystery.
Phones are better than girlfriends, At least we can switch off.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.
Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation
Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes.
Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!!
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
FREE PUPPIES: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbors dog.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.
That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? They both have an iPhone.
Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight.
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn.
There are three sides to an argument - your side, my side and the right side.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.
I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal my status 
I'd rather have honest enemies than fake friends.
My "last seen at" was just to check your "last seen at".
Not always "Available".. Try your Luck..
Hey there whatsapp is using me.
I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.
You can never buy Love....But still you have to pay for it.
Totally available!! Please disturb me!!��
“Success” all depends on the second letter.
Life is Short – Chat Fast!
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I need Six months of vacation, Twice a year.
Marriage is a "workshop", Where husband 'works' and wife 'shops'.
After Tuesday, even the calender says "W T F".
2 Things can change a women's mood- 1) I love you 2) 50% Discount.
SARCASM: Just one of the many services i offer.
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Politeness has become so rare that some people mistake it for flirtation.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won’t be able to see.
Of course I’m not perfect; there’s a crack in my ass!
Love the neighbor. But don’t get caught.
Love is like a fart, If you have to force it, It's probably a crap.
I have 2-3 real friends, the rest are just people i socialize with.
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.
Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
“I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.”
I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I'm not in a bad mood, Everyone is just annoying.
I don't know what makes you so dumb, But it really works.
If you resolve to give up drinking, You don't actually live longer, It's just seems longer.
There's always that one person, who takes a few minutes to get the joke.
AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.
You are as useless as the 'AY' in 'Okay'.
Beauty is in the eye of the credit card holder.
I don't lie, I speak Fiction.
If i agreed with you, We'd both be wrong.
Trust in God, But lock your car.
Marriage is a 3 Ring Circus- 1. Engagement Ring, 2. Wedding Ring, 3. Suffering.
So i heard you're a player, Well nice to meet you. I'm the coach.
I'm not single, I'm just romantically challenged.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Is India changing? short story.

Another railway incident with me. I was with my wife at Bhopal railway station in summer of 2012. My wife was not feeling well because of the heat wave. I had e-ticket 1, 2 on wait list. And it was not cleared as the train arrived. I lost all hope to board the train. I tried talking to a middle-aged TT who got off the train. He was looking quite busy, with a list of printed out PNRs in his hand. He paused for 10 seconds and listened to me and wife. He said you would get a refund as you have e-ticket but there is no way you could board this train without a ticket. So go to the ticket window and book a sleeper class
Wait listed ticket and you could get a seat in AC if someone failed to board the train. So there was glimpse of hope. I looked at the queue on my left hand side and it was too big to clear in 10 minutes. He asked me for my destination (Pune it was). By looking at our situation and sickness of my wife , He said he would get the ticket for me from the back window. I handed over 3 500 rupees note and waited for him. With each minute passing, I thought I was duped and I was cursing my decision to trust him. Train blew its final whistle, I was giving up then I felt a tap on my shoulder, looked back to find him handing me over the tickets and 1 500 rupees note and some change. Told me son you are all set to board this train. He had also talked to the TT on the train about my wife's health. In my mind I was thinking now he would open his mouth to ask for his cut for doing the ticket for us. He just smiled and said he would have done the same for his son too. We were about to be in tears. This incident got me thinking "India is changing".
(We reached safely to Pune and got seats in 2-tier AC 4 hours from destination without paying a penny in bribe).

Why does M. S. Dhoni always take back a stump after winning a match?

When questioned about it in an interview to the BCCI.tv, Dhoni said: “That’s my retirement plan. The good thing is that I do collect a lot of stumps but the bad one is I don’t put a mark as to which match they were from. So, after I retire I’ll watch the videos of all my matches, look closely at the sponsors logos on the stumps and figure out which match a stump belongs to. It will be my post-cricket pass time!”