Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Funny Facebook Status Updates:
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
Sometimes you just need some space............To fart.
I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.
Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Whenever i have a problem, I just sing, Then i realize my voice is worse than my problem.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.
Need Love...? .......No...I would prefer vodka..!!
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and i’m still at school.
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
She is so fake that she should have two facebook accounts; one for each face !!!
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
The longer the title the less important the job.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
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